“Everybody’s talkin’ at me.. I can’t hear a word they’re sayin’..” Don’t you love that song? I do. Written and recorded by Fred Neil in 1966 and further popularized by Harry Nilsson in 1969, the song captures something of the ache of loneliness and isolation we experience and the desire to disconnect and go “..where the sun keeps shining, through the pouring rain.. going where the weather suits my clothes..”
So much is packed into just the line, “everybody’s talkin’ at me..” In our marriages, how often does it feel like we’re being talked at? Or, maybe we’re the ones talking doing the talking at our partner. Talking, maybe, but really hearing each other? Maybe not.
- Communication or Connection? -
Stop me if you’ve heard this one (or used it).. “We just need to work on our communication.” It’s certainly a common refrain in couples counseling. In the back of my mind, I’m usually thinking, “So, you obviously can’t stand each other right now, but you think the problem is you don’t know how to articulate that clearly? Actually, it seems you both ‘communicate’ pretty well.. I can tell you would give anything to be anywhere else, and it’s so cold in here that I should probably get a heavy coat if we’re going to be together for a while.” No, what I’ve become convinced of—and every day, more and more, the attachment research is bearing out that what we’re really longing for is connection. We are neurobiologically wired for it. Dr. Sue Johnson, pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy and hero to so many of us in the counseling field puts it this way in Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, “To be human is to need others, and this is no flaw or weakness.” Our inability to communicate is less about knowing what to say when and how in a mechanistic way—although having those skills are also important—but rather about the relative level of safety, security, and connection we feel and the degree to which we can express what we need, are afraid of, feeling insecure about, threatened by, etc. Again, Sue Johnson helps us.. “In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.” We get hurt and in order to cope with our more painful core emotions like fear or abandonment, we move to anger or retreat. We withdraw or become critical. We start ‘talking at’ one another and we cease to really hear the other, or worse yet, we stop talking—in any genuine way—altogether.
- Talkin’ at.. -
This is terribly embarrassing now, but one of my and my wife’s early—and now very funny to us—arguments started over a disagreement about hand towels in the bathroom Yes, that’s right, hand towels and how they should be arranged on the towel rack in the bathroom. The dispute became so intense, my wife may or may not have thrown a box of baby wipes in my general direction. After 10 minutes of this, we were both furious. Eventually, we calmed down and recognized the silliness of arguing over something so trivial and were able to see the argument wasn’t really over the proper placement of hand towels. No, in fact, the underlying issue had really been brewing ever since we married and moved in together. Two people who loved each other dearly, attempting to merge our lives and our stories, and.. terrified we were going to screw it up. For 2 or 3 years at that point, my wife often felt criticized and I often felt unheard. Silly as the argument was, I’m grateful we had such an experience as early as we did. We learned our anger was a way of “disguising our vulnerabilities” so the other did not truly see us, thus risk getting hurt. As a result, thank God, we grew. I believe this is how couples grow.
On the other hand, we get into trouble when our criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, etc. builds to such a fevered pitch that a safe environment may not be quite possible without help. I’ve sat with couples after they’ve done really good, difficult therapeutic work but at the conclusion of the session express fear over going home—afraid they will not be able to connect safely in the same way when they leave the office. They’ve lived without safety for so long, it’s difficult for them to trust one another. I assure them it takes time and the work they’re doing in the counseling office is simply dress rehearsal for a new way (or a recovered way) of relating when they get home… If it took years to become experts at this dance, it might take a bit of time to trust each other in a new, more secure and connected one.
- How Couples Counseling Can Help -
Quality couples counseling helps facilitate this process by creating the safety necessary to return to vulnerability—or maybe genuinely go there for the first time ever—to be heard, be seen, be known and to feel loved, accepted and connected. That’s what we really want and need from our partners. Communications skills are good and necessary, I agree, but you want to see pro communication? Watch two people who feel safe sharing the most vulnerable parts of themselves with one another, who are there for each other, and believe the best about and for each other. Communication borne out of secure connection comes naturally—almost effortlessly.
If you’re struggling to connect with your spouse in a meaningful way, and communication has become too difficult or even slightly exhausting, I would be honored to help get you from that place to a place of safe and secure connection. I want to see spouses who miss each other during the day and can’t wait to get home to see one another. Is that the kind of marriage you want? Then, please do make an appointment.
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Johnson, S. (2013). Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. New York: Little, Brown and Company.
*Recommended reading
“Hold Me Tight” - Sue Johnson - https://amzn.to/2uvXNT9
“The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” - John Gottman - https://amzn.to/2mvaPMn
