Help My Husband / Wife Understand Me Pt. 2: Withdrawers

In Part 1, we looked at steps pursuing partners can take to help their more withdrawn partners understand them in a conflict. In this second part, we’ll come at it from the other direction. What can a withdrawer do to help their pursuing partner ‘get’ them?

A quick by-the-way.. After getting some questions, it’s probably important to point out that ‘withdrawer’ and ‘pursuer’ are not personality types. Pursue / withdraw is a relational concept, and based on attachment style. “Do I matter to him?” and “Can I do anything to make her happy with me?” are questions about where we stand with our partner and what we do in order to find reassurance and connection. (The pursue / withdraw relational pattern shows up about 80% of the time, but withdraw / withdraw and pursue / pursue are possible as well.) Also, those roles or positions can shift. In the beginning a partner who tends to pursue to reconnect may eventually grow tired of trying and move into a more withdrawn place in order to minimize the possibility of being hurt. All that said, there may be an overlap with personality, and it’s not not important, but we’re primarily concerned with attachment style and relational pattern.

Consider the Withdrawer

I have a soft spot for withdrawers. My wife is a withdrawer. I’m on your side withdrawers. Again, to briefly describe the withdrawn relational style, withdrawers avoid their own difficult emotions and those of their partner. They can minimize, dismiss, “shut down,” “wall up,” “still face,” or even physically leave when they feel the emotional intensity has gotten too high. 

Withdrawers have learned that when they start to feel ‘unsafe,’ distancing themselves from all the intensity reduces their fears and anxieties. This makes things more tolerable for him or her, and it’s believed—sincerely—it’s better for the relationship as well. “Let’s just calm everything down” is the default position for withdrawers. 

This default position can leave pursuing partners feeling abandoned, alone, and anxious to re-establish connection. The cycle continues and withdrawers experience their pursuing partners as critical and then shut down even further. 

However, just because they avoid conflict and minimize their emotions does not mean they don’t have them. On the contrary, a withdrawer’s interior world is every bit as rich. It may be they don’t express their feelings because they don’t want to experience (feel) them or they worry it will upset their partner. The other possibility is they have forgotten how to understand or make sense of what they feel. The latter warrants genuine compassion. 

What can a withdrawer communicate to their pursuing partner that would help move the conflict forward in an emotionally tolerable way? Like we mentioned last time, it’s helpful to remember—and chances of success are greatly improved—if you can manage to share these prompts when you’re not quite as distressed.

1. “I know you need me to show up right now, but I’m overwhelmed.” 

A little validation up front goes a looong way for pursuers. We can hang back or push through—pick your metaphor—if we know you can see our distress. Letting your pursuing partner know you see that, but that you’re feeling overwhelmed can give you so much room. (We’re overwhelmed with ourselves too!) 

2. “I would tell you what I’m feeling if I knew myself.” 

“Maybe you’re a little ahead of me right now, but I need to go through it myself to figure out what I’m feeling.” My wife has actually said these words to me, and it’s so disarming. Especially expressed with vulnerability, it changes everything. “Oh, she’s not shutting me down like I’m a crazy person.. She’s trying to get a handle on what she’s going through.” A withdrawer can both validate and slow everything down to a reasonable and steadied pace. Coincidentally, it’s a pace that is actually better to move forward from. 

3. “I know you’re worried I’m going to bail, but I need a minute. Can we come back to this in 10 or 20 minutes?” 

This one can be pretty difficult to do, especially if a couple doesn’t have the emotional muscle memory just yet. A central fear for a pursuing partner is that they’re ‘too much,’ that you’re going to run out of patience with them and leave. So, it can be a perilous moment if there’s not been enough evidence that there will be a reconnection. What you’re asking your pursuing partner to do, however, is to trust you and that in and of itself can create a healing moment if you indeed ‘come back’ to them.  

These sentences or sentiments can help you, withdrawer, to create a buffer, so to speak, in the conflict. Withdrawers need those buffers. Of course withdrawers, part of your growth is learning how to take up your own space—to really feel what you’re feeling and make it important enough to share, but giving your pursuing partner something to go on—even if it’s “I don’t know yet,” helps slow the cycle down and provides room to let some calm in. Withdrawers, you have a tremendous power to contribute to the healing of your relationship. Probably more than you realize. 

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*Recommended reading

“Hold Me Tight” - Sue Johnson - https://amzn.to/2uvXNT9

“The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” - John Gottman - https://amzn.to/2mvaPMn

How to Help My Husband / Wife Understand Me: Withdrawers and Pursuers Part 1

“She starts yelling and that’s it, I know I’m about to get it, so I just get real quiet.” 

“I’m feeling so hurt and angry and I try to tell him and he just stares at me, not saying anything.”

Any of us in close relationships—marriage, dating for a significant amount of time—we all probably relate to one or more of those sentences. As I sit with couples and start asking, “Is it like ______ when you do ________ and they do _______ ?” I’ll hear things like, “You’re so spot on! It’s like you’ve been in our house!” And, no, I’m not clairvoyant.. we all say and hear things like this—I just get to hear it a lot in the counseling office :)

The attachment science tells us these are simply distressed responses to feeling threatened or afraid. In other words, there’s a negative cycle that exists where I reach out for you because I need some kind of reassurance, you’re not there for me, so I get louder and more critical and you start to shut down. You being shut down upsets me even more so I get even louder and even more critical and you, feeling even more threatened and more overwhelmed, bail completely. We get stuck in that cycle, and that’s where our problems come from. Dr. Sue Johnson, pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (all the concepts in the post are from the work of Dr. Johnson) says this, “When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness…” 

 Pursuers and Withdrawers

The one reaching out, then becoming critical is called a “pursuer.” Pursuers *tend to be a little more connected with their own emotions and can express them. The more shut down or “withdrawn” partner is just that—a “withdrawer.” Withdrawers *tend to become overwhelmed with more intense emotions, tend to feel threatened and then emotionally and / or physically withdraw. They get quiet, try to make sense of what’s happening, but ultimately start to give up. Withdrawers are also often unaware of what they are feeling. “Keeping the peace,” is the safest way to go for them, historically, thus they often minimize their own emotional needs up to and including even forgetting they are there to begin with. (Anyone familiar with “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” from John and Julie Gottman will recognize withdrawing as “stonewalling.”) 

One more important note before we dive in on what we can do.. More often than not, wives tend to be the more pursuing partners while husbands tend to be the more withdrawn in conflict. It’s not always the case—I tend to be the more pursuing partner in my own marriage.

In this Part 1 on pursuers and withdrawers, I’ll offer some steps for the more pursuing partner to learn how to help their more withdrawn partner understand them. Wouldn’t that be nice?! 

Helpful to remember—and chances of success are greatly improved—if you can manage to share these when you’re not quite as distressed.

1. Acknowledge the struggle.

“I just said a lot and you look overwhelmed.” Or, on the phone, “Honey, you’re not saying anything. Are you worried about saying the wrong thing?” 

2. Offer the benefit of the doubt.

This is also a part of the first tip. If you’re not so upset, it’s easier to remember he/she would respond exactly the way you needed, if they didn’t get overwhelmed or distressed that you’re so distressed, felt criticized etc. and knew how to connect with you.

If things start to go sideways, offer something like,

3. “I think we’re both getting more and more upset.. can we take a few minutes and then start over?”

 I’m pretty sure I’ve said this in previous posts, but the sort of dialogue I outlined above is much more on the ideal end of things. In other words, a conversation like that is more possible when the negative cycle isn’t so powerful or hasn’t been in place for a significant amount of time. 

These negative cycles become more and more ingrained over time, and it’s so important to remember the cycle is the enemy, not our partner. it’s just a thing that takes over and starts running the show on an autopilot-sort of level. If we can catch ourselves before the cycle takes off, we can steer towards a more satisfying and connected experience of conflict. And, being aware of how we can help our partners ‘get us,’ makes that a much greater possibility. It’s also just a very kind and loving way to approach the one we love the most :)

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*I say “tend to,” a) because there are some other variations, ie, “burned out pursuers” who currently shut down due to being disappointed in spouse’s response, and b) a lot can affect how we respond in a moment due to mood, energy level, etc.

For further reading.. 

“Hold Me Tight” - Sue Johnson - https://amzn.to/2uvXNT9

“The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” - John Gottman - https://amzn.to/2mvaPMn

How Not to Have a Fight Today (Valentine's Day)

Not having a fight with our special someone on Valentine’s Day would be nice, right? Why is it (or does it just seem this way to me?) often our worst fights happen when that should be the last thing we’re doing? Vacations, anniversaries, V-Day, etc. Any disappointing ends to what should have been, by definition, wonderful nights? 

Expectations. Expectations are tricky. We either have expectations we’re afraid won’t be met (and then it’s confirmed by our experience) or we’re the one’s not meeting them. Either way expectations can be precarious, especially on days pre-loaded with expectations! Like Valentine’s Day.

1. Talk about your expectations

There is no prize at the end of life for only subtly communicating our expectations. Yes, it would be nice if we didn’t have to spell out what we wanted and our partners simply knew. That’s a fantasy though, right? Or, even when we generally know our partners likes and dislikes, people are not static. Tastes change. Interests change. Life transitions are real. Maybe the kids aren’t so little anymore and skydiving all of a sudden seems like the most fun thing we can do on Valentine’s Day! Who knows? No one unless we say it out loud.

(Parenthetically, while simply stating our expectations helps us avoid disappointments, it doesn’t mean we’re not afraid of having expectations or of not meeting them. Our respective histories often set us up to be worried. How great would it be to have a connecting conversation where we talk about those fears and help reassure one another?)

2. Number the intensity.

(This was actually my wife’s recommendation. She’s so wise.) For years now, we’ve used a “how important is this?” 1-10 scale. It’s not foolproof, but it’s been a pretty handy way of stating how much something matters or doesn’t matter to us. A ‘3’ for me, but an ‘8’ for her? Easy enough. “I’m a ‘2’ on the restaurant, but a ‘9’ on the movie.” Done. Again, not perfect when the intensity is the same, but it’s been surprising to us how many things are easily sorted out when it’s clear what matters more / or less to the other.

3. Place expectations in perspective. 

Is it reasonable to expect the sitter to be on time? To want a nice dinner? Good weather for a walk? Of course. What if those things don’t happen or don’t happen quite that way? Seems obvious, I know, but these can be ‘forest for the trees’ situations if we let them. Sure, you may have gotten a late start and maybe the service wasn’t the best, *and it’s okay to be disappointed!* but maybe give yourself 90 seconds to be irritated about the overcooked salmon (that you should have returned to the kitchen, by the way. Why didn’t you do that??) and then, move on with the rest of the night. It is one night, after all.

(I would also add--as someone who can pretty easily get derailed by disappointing particulars--it’s amazing how quickly we can help our partners relax by simply validating their frustrations. Which one feels better.. “That’s so frustrating about the gift card” Or, “Babe, can you forget it? At least we’re together” ? That little bit of validation can put a fire right out in seconds. On the other hand, “just stop that” is crazy-making and can turn what should be a quick little thing into a much bigger, longer-lasting event.)  

I don’t want to fight tonight! If you’re fortunate enough to have someone you love and can celebrate Valentine’s with, I’m sure you don’t either. This post is nowhere near a comprehensive tutorial on conflict, but getting face-to-face with our expectations and the expectations of our partners is a great start to heading off potential date-ending conflict. Happy Valentine’s Day!

What to Expect When Couples Therapy Ends

I happen to be in a fun season right now where a handful of couples who started at roughly the same time are wrapping up their work in therapy. To some of them, the process of just discussing the end of therapy is evoking various feelings from anxiety to grief to even disbelief. (I had a wife say to me today, “I thought we were going to be in therapy for the next two years!”) 

(By the way, I’m writing this post mainly for couples, but many of the same ideas apply to individual psychotherapy as well.) 

In grad school we’re taught to start talking about termination early. “Termination” is the weird word we use to describe the conclusion of therapy. (No one likes that word, but for some reason we’re still using it.) Anyway, we’re taught, firstly, to keep in the back of our minds that termination is our ultimate goal.. to help folks and then release them to live their lives, free of needing us. Secondly, we’re taught to bring up termination early to get clients used to the idea that effective therapy—in most cases—is going to be a time-bound process with an eventual end date. 

So, what happens when counseling is coming to an end? What should we expect to feel? 

This is not an exhaustive list, but these seem to cover the most basic feelings..

- Relief. After all, you might have been worried your marriage was over. Now, you’re holding hands and laughing and saying things like, “I never want you to feel lonely like that again.. How can I make sure that never happens?” How much better is that??

- Mixed feelings, in general but anxious or nervous, in particular. Maybe relief is the big one, but “uhhh… what’s that slightly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach?” That’s anxiety, my friend. The world may be much better now. Maybe the color has returned like when Dorothy leaves Kansas and walks into Oz. But just a few short months or weeks ago, things were pretty grim. And, maybe things had been grim for a long time. “Are we kidding ourselves? Is this just a fluke? Will things just go back to the way they were?” It can be hard to trust that the change that’s taken place will stick when we feel we have so much evidence to the contrary. 

- Grief. Believe it or not, it’s not unusual for a person or a couple to experience a twinge of grief. If we think about it, a therapist joins our inner world in an intense and very often very profound way. Especially, if they are joining into a very painful part of our lives to provide empathy, validation and care—something we’ve maybe not experienced much of or not at all—it can be difficult to imagine that person not being there anymore. It’s not unusual to hear nervous jokes from clients like, “Sure you don’t want to just move in for a little while?” It makes sense. To a couple that’s been living in tension, chaos, sadness, disconnection, etc., of course it would make sense there would be sadness in saying goodbye to the person who entered into their story and stuck it out with them.

Some things to remember..

- If your time in therapy was successful, remember you did the work. If you were a couple that showed up—and you know what I mean by “showing up”—and risked vulnerability week after week, you need to hold on to that. Celebrate it. Put that in the evidence locker. Yes, of course the role of a good therapist is helpful to the process, but therapists don’t fix marriages—married people do. 

- You have the tools, so no need to panic if things get a little squirrelly. You just went through a process that, again, you did. Yes, things could start to feel a little like what they used to—before getting help—but you can always stop, take a deep breath and check in with yourself and with each other. “Hey, I’m kind of feeling scared like I used to.. when I thought you might think this is too much and just leave. Is it okay if we back up and start over?” 

- You can always come back for a “tune up.” The end of a course of therapy is just that.. the end of a course of therapy. If you feel like your couples game is getting off-track again and you’re not feeling the confidence to get it back on your own, you can always go back in for a few sessions to course correct. A setback in marriage is not the end of the world. It’s just a setback. And, far better to address as soon as it comes up, than to let it fester. 

Couples therapy can be a lot of work, so of course it would make sense if “can we go and home and really do this?”-kinds of feelings come up. Give yourself the permission to feel whatever you’re feeling, and maybe most importantly—if you’re a couple, you have each other to process with. It’s okay to express your fears about it just being the two of you again. Validate and reassure one another. And, if it’s been a while and you feel like you need to.. go back in for a tune up. 

If you’ve not yet started your counseling journey, but know you need to, I would be honored to walk alongside you.

The Busyness Olympics: 7 Ways to Stop Competing in Your Marriage

Earlier this week I was speaking with some colleagues about the overwhelming need for more support for married couples in our community. Speaking specifically of couples with young children my friend said, “Yeah, in that season, you’re just trying to survive. You end up stuffing a lot down.” She was so right. That is the reality for many couples, both in what I’ve observed in working with them and even in my own marriage. 

Our kids are mostly into their teen years so the landscape has changed a bit, but we still contend with that sense of just getting through the day. “Just need to make it to Friday,” “Whew, summer can’t get here fast enough,” and so on. The non-stop pace and trying to keep up with everyone and everything makes it difficult to stay mindful and present, let alone leave space for working through conflict or trying to connect. A byproduct of this and something my wife and I have discovered is we can wind up in a sort of “Busyness Olympics.” Both exhausted, bleary-eyed, getting kids off to school with the realization neither are likely to see anything resembling a bed for another 14-15 hours, we can start to feel we’re competing with one another. Often starting the day from a deficit, unhelpful and even toxic questions start to creep in.. 

“Does he/she realize how stressed I am?”

“Does he/she realize how much I have to do?”

We start keeping score and racking up resentments. 

When I was enrolled in a full-time graduate counseling program on top of working full-time, I remember one particularly bitter argument where my wife turned to me with a mix of anger and desperation.. “I don’t think you have any idea what I do!” 

“……” 

It stung. A lot. The truth is, I did know what and how much she did. It wasn’t a knowledge problem. It was a matter of validation, appreciation, and “I can’t trust you’re in this with me.” That seems easy enough to address, right? “Oh, Honey, I’m so sorry. You’re completely right—I just missed it. Can we start over? I….” and so on until the fracture is set. But, that’s not what happened. I thought we were competing and what actually happened next, embarrassingly, was the bubbling up of fears and insecurities about my adequacy and competence as a husband and a father. “Does she have any idea whatsoever how much I’m doing? How hard it is to work and be in this really demanding program?” I was so blinded by that, she didn’t stand a chance to be heard, let alone understood and validated. Ego, bitterness, insecurity.. It was one of my lowest moments, I have to say.

I thought we were jockeying for 1st place for who’s doing more. But, my wife wasn’t competing with me. She just needed to know I recognized how much she was doing to care for our family, particularly in my absence. She needed to know I was in it with her, that she could count on me, that I would be there for her when she just needed to vent for a second about how tired she was. That’s all. Instead, I heard, “You’re not holding up your end. Here’s another way you’re not good enough.” How do those messages get mixed up so easily and quickly? 

(There is a happy ending to this story, and I can talk more about how and why those messages get tangled up, but that’s for another post.)

The point of this post is relational competition is not only silly; it’s damaging.

How to avoid competing with your partner

1. Reflect on what you’re feeling. In those moments where you feel frustration, envy, or “why can’t he / she freaking just offer to pick up dinner?” Take a second, breath, and be honest with yourself. “Ok. Actually, I’m just overwhelmed and I feel like he’s not there for me right now. It makes me anxious that he never will be.” 

2. Talk to your partner about what you’re going through. Starting with ‘I’ and ‘me’ and your felt experience is much more likely to impact your partner in a helpful way. It’s not a silver bullet, but it certainly reduces the chances your partner is going to feel criticized or blamed while  increasing the chances you will be heard.

3. Start with vulnerability. This is related to #2, but vulnerability can be a powerful invitation.. “Will you join me where I am and go through this with me?” is the message of vulnerability. 

4. Foster goodwill. Benefit of the doubt is good for both of you. If you’re stuck in a negative cycle or have been for a while, it can be hard to trust your partner’s intentions. However, reaching back to a time when that wasn’t the case and you were both much more likely to say something like, “Oh, I’m sure she just forgot because she’s so busy with work,” can help reset the frame. And, the benefit is mutual. Not only does it help us re-center ourselves without the fearful or even paranoid assumptions about our partner, it communicates to our partner, “I know you are there for me and I can trust you.”

5. Express gratitude. Gratitude can be a remarkably powerful force in your life for many reasons. I won’t list them all here, but cultivating a sense of gratitude in your life, in general, gives us greater perspective and expressing gratitude to or about your partner widens the lens, so to speak. We see more. Often, when my wife and I are in the thick of it, we’ll say, “We’re going to miss this season someday.” It’s hard to feel competitive when you’re feeling grateful.

6. Affirm one another. Dr. John Gottman, psychologist and marriage researcher demonstrated that ‘Masters’ of marriage—couples who experience greater levels of happiness and satisfaction in their marriages—tend to have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive interactions to negative ones. That may seem formulaic, and I suppose it is, but what the research shows is negativity ‘sticks’ to us in a way positivity does not. (Chances are if you think through the last several days, it’s much easier to remember the criticisms or critiques rather than the compliments or verbal affirmations.) Thinking the best of and about each other and expressing it, builds the relationship and helps guard against all the stuff you don’t want. 

7. Give each other permission. Sometimes, we really need someone to say, “You’ve been working really hard, can you take the next couple of hours to rest?” My wife actually said to me the other day—when she had an unexpected opportunity to rest, “I feel like I’m going to get in trouble.” It’s amazing how many of us will continue to labor under guilt believing we’re only as good as how much we’re accomplishing.

A bonus.. An obvious one, but nonetheless.. Try to get as much quality sleep as you can.

I have a friend from Tennessee who says, “Hardly, nuthin’ makes you feel better than a stack of ‘Z’s.” More and more, everyday we’re learning how much restorative work is going on in our brains and bodies while we sleep. In terms of mood regulation, sleep plays a critical role. It’s been observed that sleep deprivation actually increases cortisol levels (the stress hormone.) If your life is already full of normal day-to-day stressors, good quality sleep is imperative. An informal poll.. Are you more or less likely to be loving and kind if you’re running on a sleep deficit? We all know because we know what it feels like to be running on empty. Our tempers are shorter and our ability to emotionally tolerate life’s curveballs is significantly impaired. 

No one wins in a marriage of competition over who’s doing more or who’s more stressed out. Your marriage doesn’t have to be that way. 

I seem to end all of my posts with some version of the same message, but if you’re reading this and thinking “Yeah, I would love to not compete with my spouse” or “I wish I could muster some gratitude for my partner but you have no earthly idea what we’re going through,” I get it. These are suggestions for couples who have the capacity to apply them, but I realize that might not be where you are. In that case, I would recommend finding a someone to walk alongside you to get back to that point. I would love to help. 

"Everybody's Talkin'" - Communication Skills

“Everybody’s talkin’ at me.. I can’t hear a word they’re sayin’..” Don’t you love that song? I do. Written and recorded by Fred Neil in 1966 and further popularized by Harry Nilsson in 1969, the song captures something of the ache of loneliness and isolation we experience and the desire to disconnect and go “..where the sun keeps shining, through the pouring rain.. going where the weather suits my clothes..”

So much is packed into just the line, “everybody’s talkin’ at me..” In our marriages, how often does it feel like we’re being talked at? Or, maybe we’re the ones talking doing the talking at our partner. Talking, maybe, but really hearing each other? Maybe not. 

- Communication or Connection? -

Stop me if you’ve heard this one (or used it).. “We just need to work on our communication.” It’s certainly a common refrain in couples counseling. In the back of my mind, I’m usually thinking, “So, you obviously can’t stand each other right now, but you think the problem is you don’t know how to articulate that clearly? Actually, it seems you both ‘communicate’ pretty well.. I can tell you would give anything to be anywhere else, and it’s so cold in here that I should probably get a heavy coat if we’re going to be together for a while.” No, what I’ve become convinced of—and every day, more and more, the attachment research is bearing out that what we’re really longing for is connection. We are neurobiologically wired for it. Dr. Sue Johnson, pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy and hero to so many of us in the counseling field puts it this way in Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, “To be human is to need others, and this is no flaw or weakness.” Our inability to communicate is less about knowing what to say when and how in a mechanistic way—although having those skills are also important—but rather about the relative level of safety, security, and connection we feel and the degree to which we can express what we need, are afraid of, feeling insecure about, threatened by, etc. Again, Sue Johnson helps us.. “In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.” We get hurt and in order to cope with our more painful core emotions like fear or abandonment, we move to anger or retreat. We withdraw or become critical. We start ‘talking at’ one another and we cease to really hear the other, or worse yet, we stop talking—in any genuine way—altogether. 

- Talkin’ at.. -

This is terribly embarrassing now, but one of my and my wife’s early—and now very funny to us—arguments started over a disagreement about hand towels in the bathroom Yes, that’s right, hand towels and how they should be arranged on the towel rack in the bathroom. The dispute became so intense, my wife may or may not have thrown a box of baby wipes in my general direction. After 10 minutes of this, we were both furious. Eventually, we calmed down and recognized the silliness of arguing over something so trivial and were able to see the argument wasn’t really over the proper placement of hand towels. No, in fact, the underlying issue had really been brewing ever since we married and moved in together. Two people who loved each other dearly, attempting to merge our lives and our stories, and.. terrified we were going to screw it up. For 2 or 3 years at that point, my wife often felt criticized and I often felt unheard. Silly as the argument was, I’m grateful we had such an experience as early as we did. We learned our anger was a way of “disguising our vulnerabilities” so the other did not truly see us, thus risk getting hurt. As a result, thank God, we grew. I believe this is how couples grow. 

On the other hand, we get into trouble when our criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, etc. builds to such a fevered pitch that a safe environment may not be quite possible without help. I’ve sat with couples after they’ve done really good, difficult therapeutic work but at the conclusion of the session express fear over going home—afraid they will not be able to connect safely in the same way when they leave the office. They’ve lived without safety for so long, it’s difficult for them to trust one another. I assure them it takes time and the work they’re doing in the counseling office is simply dress rehearsal for a new way (or a recovered way) of relating when they get home… If it took years to become experts at this dance, it might take a bit of time to trust each other in a new, more secure and connected one. 

- How Couples Counseling Can Help -

Quality couples counseling helps facilitate this process by creating the safety necessary to return to vulnerability—or maybe genuinely go there for the first time ever—to be heard, be seen, be known and to feel loved, accepted and connected. That’s what we really want and need from our partners. Communications skills are good and necessary, I agree, but you want to see pro communication? Watch two people who feel safe sharing the most vulnerable parts of themselves with one another, who are there for each other, and believe the best about and for each other. Communication borne out of secure connection comes naturally—almost effortlessly. 

If you’re struggling to connect with your spouse in a meaningful way, and communication has become too difficult or even slightly exhausting, I would be honored to help get you from that place to a place of safe and secure connection. I want to see spouses who miss each other during the day and can’t wait to get home to see one another. Is that the kind of marriage you want? Then, please do make an appointment. 

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Johnson, S. (2013). Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. New York: Little, Brown and Company.

*Recommended reading

“Hold Me Tight” - Sue Johnson - https://amzn.to/2uvXNT9

“The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” - John Gottman - https://amzn.to/2mvaPMn

Don't Let Money Wreck Your Marriage

“We never fight about money,” said practically no couple ever. I casually polled two of my teenagers, “why do you think so many people get divorced?” Almost in unison.. “Communication and money.” So young and so sweet and so smart. According to Hawkins, Willoughby, and Doherty (2012) “not being able to talk to each other” and “how one’s spouse handled money” were among the top three reasons couples divorced. (“Growing apart” was the third.) 

So, money problems and poor communication seem to be poisonous to marriage. If you’re reading this—and happen to be a married person—does that ring true in your marriage? Is money a chronically sore subject? Bad communication? It would be good to address both, but let’s start with money and give ‘communication’ its own post.

- Money Trouble -

So, here’s the thing.. it’s not really about the money. But, we already knew that right? Just like the argument over leaving the toilet lid up isn’t really about the toilet lid. 

So what is it about? 

Many of us have strange and complicated relationships with money. For most of us, money is much more than an object we use in exchange for things we want or need. It’s a bit odd when you think about it, but money—or the idea of money, rather, becomes incredibly wrapped up in our feelings about who we are, who others are, what we deserve, what we don’t, where we find ourselves in the social hierarchy, etc. At some point during childhood we begin to notice what our families have and what they don’t. And, then we notice the families who have less and the ones who have more. We start connecting the dots. “Jimmy and Katie have a really big house. And a pool. I wonder why it’s so much bigger than ours and why we can’t have a pool.” And, so it goes. Money becomes something more than just money, in other words—what we think money means and what it seems to reflect about who we are starts to shape our very identities at a core level.

- Enter Wedded Bliss - 

Difficulty around money can start—and often does—as early as the engagement and wedding planning phase (if not sooner.) We start to really learn about our partner when the “where should we register?” question comes up. Restoration Hardware or Bed, Bath & Beyond? Neiman Marcus or Super Target? Then, the kind proprietors of those fine establishments hand over that little tagging gun. “Wait, how much is that bedding?” “It’s for our wedding! People want to get us nice things.” “Not that nice! We just need basic stuff—the Lodge is perfectly fine for us. We can upgrade to the Le Creuset later..” There’s a whole identity narrative in that short little exchange, isn’t there? But, more importantly, does it sound familiar? If so, which one are you in that scenario? 

So, we can see how the seeds of financial discord can be sewn pretty early on. (Might be a good time to mention the importance of quality pre-marital counseling, but that’s a post for another time.) Sadly, a few years and a handful of just-out-of-reach mortgage payments later those seemingly silly sorts of arguments over a gift registry can turn into the third World War. 

- Okay, so now what? - 

If any of this sounds like you or your marriage, there are a handful of helpful things to remember when money conversations start to get heated..

1) Remember it’s not about the money. Sure, you may need a better budget—or a budget, period—but those are problems to solve, not reasons to end what can and should be a life-long, loving, successful marriage. Something more important is going on in the relationship and that needs to be explored.

2) For the part of the argument that is actually about the money—real problems to solve and sort through—remember money is, in fact, just a thing. In reality, it has no other purpose but to be a resource. A resource we should steward well, for certain, but a resource nonetheless. In reality, money can’t actually define us—whether we have much or have little. 

3) Start asking questions..  What’s underneath the money conversation? Who’s feeling insecure? Who’s feeling undermined? Who isn’t trusting and who feels their trustworthiness is being questioned? There are plenty more questions than that, but that’s sort of the point—there are a lot of questions to ask and a lot to explore about ourselves and one another. 

*A very important sidebar for any and all marital friction.. The Gottman’s (link below) gave us all a gift in deciphering and articulating the four basic stages of marital erosion. They labeled the stages after The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse depicted in the book of Revelation. As you navigate your way through conflict, be oh so mindful to notice if you reach any of these levels—they’re the proverbial ‘canary in the coal mine.’ 

1. Criticism - Criticism is personal - “All you think about his yourself.”

2. Contempt - Contempt is mean and disrespectful and we know when we’re doing it.

3. Defensiveness - Defensiveness (“How was I supposed to know?”) only makes conflict worse.

4. Stonewalling - This is the last stage, when one or both partners completely shut down. 

We want to steer clear of the Four Horsemen. These stages signify moving in the wrong direction and we can’t course correct, so to speak, if we don’t know where we wandered off course. This helps us gauge where the relationship is in terms of conflict.

4) Own your responsibility in the mess. This can be really hard to do when you’re angry, but in nearly every case, both parties are at least somewhat culpable. Maybe your percentage is only 10-15%, maybe less, but it’s so much easier to move toward each other to fix systemic, foundational problems in a relationship when you’re not laying all the blame at the feet of the other. 

5) Get some help if one or both of you feel too exhausted or hopeless to continue on your own. Seek the counsel of a pastor or marriage counselor. (I recognize the irony of recommending couples counseling and the accompanying cost, but your marriage is worth the investment. You can't afford to not get help, in other words.) 

Your marriage isn’t hopeless. I really believe that. The fights about money aren’t really about money. It’s what those arguments are pointing to under the water line personally and in the relationship—loneliness, inadequacy, incompetence, isolation, overwhelm, stress, shame, guilt. Those feelings, particularly if unaddressed, lead to greater distance in the relationship (what our researchers reminded us as the third reason couples get divorced.) That distance can be shortened or even eliminated. You and your partner can recover the closeness and connection you once enjoyed. If I can help you and your spouse work through these difficult issues, I would be honored to do so—simply make an appointment. 

---

Hawkins AJ, Willoughby BJ, Doherty WJ. Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage. 2012;53(6):453–463. 

'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ - https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

*Recommended reading

“Hold Me Tight” - Sue Johnson - https://amzn.to/2uvXNT9

“The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” - John Gottman - https://amzn.to/2mvaPMn

Does My Teen Need Counseling?

It can be difficult sometimes to know how to separate “normal” teenage stuff from something more serious. A question that often comes up.. "Does my teenager need professional help?" It’s not always an easy question to answer, but here are some helpful guidelines..

You should call in reinforcements if there is..

1) Drug and alcohol abuse

A single instance of your kid at a bff's sleepover and finding Mom and Dad’s liquor cabinet, resulting in a headache, nausea and a great deal of regret may not warrant an insta-call to a therapist, however, repetitive use is nothing to mess around with. Smelling alcohol on their breath, slurred speech, glassy eyes, stumbling through the door, etc. are all signs something more serious is going on. 

2) Self-harm or self-injury  

These are phrases used to describe literal skin cutting with a razor or other sharp object, hair-pulling, excessive skin scratching (picking at wounds,) etc.

These behaviors can—believe it or not—temporarily alleviate anxiety, help someone feel something when they feel emotionally ‘empty’ inside, or express such feelings as anger or rejection when they can’t verbalize them. These self-soothing strategies can actually become more severe over time, so if your teen is self-harming in any way it’s important to address it as soon as possible. 

3) Talk of suicide

“I wish I were dead.” “I just want to go to sleep and not wake up in the morning.” These statements might just sound like dramatic grumblings, but they’re nothing to disregard. On the contrary, get curious and take them seriously. Wise words from a professor.. "Ask them.. 'Are you thinking of hurting yourself?' If they're not thinking about suicide, you're not going to give them the idea. If they are thinking about suicide, now you've opened a conversation that might save their life." 

4) Explosive anger or fighting at school

Moodiness and irritability are normal. Extreme anger (consistent yelling, punching doors and walls, etc.,) or getting into multiple fights at school are not. As a colleague reminded me, depression in teenagers can look an awful lot like anger. So, that anger is bubbling up from somewhere, and a professional can help figure that out. 

5) "I can't get her out of bed" or "I can't get him to go to school"-type depression and anxiety

This category has a special place in my heart--I used to be one of these kids. If your teen is so weighed down with sadness that even getting out of bed is too difficult, it's time to get them some help. As depression's kissing cousin, anxiety can wreak similar havoc, and can be a real battle. No need to try and handle it all on your own. *Important.. Often when we don't understand or have not wrestled, ourselves, with mental illness, it can be easy to guilt or shame the one suffering, even our children. It's important that their struggles are met with kindness and compassion.  

A Judgement call...

Adolescence is a difficult transition time for many, but the below list, if excessive can mean something more is going on. This is where the “I know my kid” sort of gut feeling comes into play. Even if you’re wrong—and you may be—initiating a conversation with your teen is never a bad idea. If you broach the topic of counseling and they’re not completely opposed, I’d make an appointment with someone. If they don’t turn you down right away that might be an indication they’re willing to talk to someone which may mean they have something to say they’re not so keen to talk with you about. 

- More mood swing-y than normal
- Excessive sleeping
- Losing interest in activities they used to love
- Isolating from friends
- Rapid weight fluctuation up and - or down 

Take seriously.. if your teen asks to go to counseling    

If your teen hints at or even asks to see a counselor, I would be inclined to oblige them. If you’re not in the heat of a conflict where some drama might be flavoring the moment, I would pay close attention to the request. They may be struggling but a little embarrassed to talk with you about whatever it is. An answer like “Well, honey, I would be happy to ask around for a recommendation, would that be okay? I want you to have all the support you need” shows a) you’re not overreacting to their request, b) you’re not threatened by them asking for someone other than you, and c) that you’re respecting their privacy by getting their permission to ask around. An interaction like that can go a long way in strengthening your relationship and reinforces they can trust you with their thoughts and feelings. 

Lastly, something to watch out for...

a teenager who “behaves” and is “good” but has become quite a bit more withdrawn. They may be having a rough time and having difficulty talking about it but their pain doesn’t manifest as “problematic behavior" at home or at school. The danger here is them going unnoticed or ‘unseen’ simply because they’re not being a squeaky wheel.

General guidelines like these are helpful but not perfect, so if you’re still not quite sure, simply ask your teen. Sincere interest and conversation is good, and, if handled well, communicates a) we all have difficulties at times and b) there’s no shame in talking about it or asking for help. 

Getting Over It.. the Dreaded Imposter Syndrome

There’s a common phenomenon found in those who work toward success of any kind—advanced degrees, work achievements, etc. called “Imposter Syndrome.” In short, it’s a concept coined by clinical psychologists Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes in 1978, to describe feelings of not being worthy of a role or position despite having done the work to get there.* In other words.. feeling like a fraud.

I’m a graduate counseling student intern and I’m starting a counseling blog.. I’ve got some serious imposter syndrome going on. However, I’m choosing to shrug off those nagging feelings of not being qualified enough and starting to write anyway. 

A few reasons.. Firstly, I’m halfway through my counseling degree with most of the "course material” behind me (still lots and lots I'll get to learn too.) I’m 39. Not a wise old man by any stretch, but with a wife, children, 20+ yr career, I’ve lived a little. I’m daily exposed to brilliant professors and supervisors, I work alongside an incredibly talented and inspiring cohort of fellow therapists, and we have the privilege of doing therapy at an onsite clinic caring for real people wrestling through all manor of real issues in their real lives. Besides being a tremendous education, it’s a profound honor. 

Secondly, I like to share! I’m that friend you often hear say things like “have you read…?” or “please tell me you’ve seen…” I love being exposed to something really great and then experiencing the joy of sharing it. So much of what I’m learning in order to become a therapist is remarkably useful for day-to-day living. Depression and anxiety, for example—often referred to as the ‘common cold’ of mental illness—affects too many people to not share helpful information. We all deal with anxiety on some level and we all face disappointments that bring us down—job loss, family illness, you name it. It’s called the “common cold” for a reason. 

Lastly.. I’m a part of a community. A rather large, supportive and curious community that often asks, “Are you still working on your degree?” or “How’s your counseling program going?” Or, “Are you still at the clinic? I’ve got a friend who..” So, having a blog is a great way to keep my people informed. (By the way, on that note, my current status.. I’m entering the 2nd year of a two-year, 76 credit-hour Masters in Counseling degree. I’ll have 600-ish face-to-face, counseling hours by the time I graduate in May of next year. I’m still on staff in the Worship department at Northland, a Church Distributed in Longwood, FL, and will likely expand my role to include onsite counseling when I graduate next year.)

If you decide to stay tuned in to this blog, I’ll be covering topics from mental health to helpful life tips to books, movies, and whatever else I’m into (and why.) 

So, there. I did it. My first blow to Imposter Syndrome! Looking forward to sharing my journey with you. 

*Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A. (1978). The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 15(3), 241. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0086006