“We never fight about money,” said practically no couple ever. I casually polled two of my teenagers, “why do you think so many people get divorced?” Almost in unison.. “Communication and money.” So young and so sweet and so smart. According to Hawkins, Willoughby, and Doherty (2012) “not being able to talk to each other” and “how one’s spouse handled money” were among the top three reasons couples divorced. (“Growing apart” was the third.)
So, money problems and poor communication seem to be poisonous to marriage. If you’re reading this—and happen to be a married person—does that ring true in your marriage? Is money a chronically sore subject? Bad communication? It would be good to address both, but let’s start with money and give ‘communication’ its own post.
- Money Trouble -
So, here’s the thing.. it’s not really about the money. But, we already knew that right? Just like the argument over leaving the toilet lid up isn’t really about the toilet lid.
So what is it about?
Many of us have strange and complicated relationships with money. For most of us, money is much more than an object we use in exchange for things we want or need. It’s a bit odd when you think about it, but money—or the idea of money, rather, becomes incredibly wrapped up in our feelings about who we are, who others are, what we deserve, what we don’t, where we find ourselves in the social hierarchy, etc. At some point during childhood we begin to notice what our families have and what they don’t. And, then we notice the families who have less and the ones who have more. We start connecting the dots. “Jimmy and Katie have a really big house. And a pool. I wonder why it’s so much bigger than ours and why we can’t have a pool.” And, so it goes. Money becomes something more than just money, in other words—what we think money means and what it seems to reflect about who we are starts to shape our very identities at a core level.
- Enter Wedded Bliss -
Difficulty around money can start—and often does—as early as the engagement and wedding planning phase (if not sooner.) We start to really learn about our partner when the “where should we register?” question comes up. Restoration Hardware or Bed, Bath & Beyond? Neiman Marcus or Super Target? Then, the kind proprietors of those fine establishments hand over that little tagging gun. “Wait, how much is that bedding?” “It’s for our wedding! People want to get us nice things.” “Not that nice! We just need basic stuff—the Lodge is perfectly fine for us. We can upgrade to the Le Creuset later..” There’s a whole identity narrative in that short little exchange, isn’t there? But, more importantly, does it sound familiar? If so, which one are you in that scenario?
So, we can see how the seeds of financial discord can be sewn pretty early on. (Might be a good time to mention the importance of quality pre-marital counseling, but that’s a post for another time.) Sadly, a few years and a handful of just-out-of-reach mortgage payments later those seemingly silly sorts of arguments over a gift registry can turn into the third World War.
- Okay, so now what? -
If any of this sounds like you or your marriage, there are a handful of helpful things to remember when money conversations start to get heated..
1) Remember it’s not about the money. Sure, you may need a better budget—or a budget, period—but those are problems to solve, not reasons to end what can and should be a life-long, loving, successful marriage. Something more important is going on in the relationship and that needs to be explored.
2) For the part of the argument that is actually about the money—real problems to solve and sort through—remember money is, in fact, just a thing. In reality, it has no other purpose but to be a resource. A resource we should steward well, for certain, but a resource nonetheless. In reality, money can’t actually define us—whether we have much or have little.
3) Start asking questions.. What’s underneath the money conversation? Who’s feeling insecure? Who’s feeling undermined? Who isn’t trusting and who feels their trustworthiness is being questioned? There are plenty more questions than that, but that’s sort of the point—there are a lot of questions to ask and a lot to explore about ourselves and one another.
*A very important sidebar for any and all marital friction.. The Gottman’s (link below) gave us all a gift in deciphering and articulating the four basic stages of marital erosion. They labeled the stages after The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse depicted in the book of Revelation. As you navigate your way through conflict, be oh so mindful to notice if you reach any of these levels—they’re the proverbial ‘canary in the coal mine.’
1. Criticism - Criticism is personal - “All you think about his yourself.”
2. Contempt - Contempt is mean and disrespectful and we know when we’re doing it.
3. Defensiveness - Defensiveness (“How was I supposed to know?”) only makes conflict worse.
4. Stonewalling - This is the last stage, when one or both partners completely shut down.
We want to steer clear of the Four Horsemen. These stages signify moving in the wrong direction and we can’t course correct, so to speak, if we don’t know where we wandered off course. This helps us gauge where the relationship is in terms of conflict.
4) Own your responsibility in the mess. This can be really hard to do when you’re angry, but in nearly every case, both parties are at least somewhat culpable. Maybe your percentage is only 10-15%, maybe less, but it’s so much easier to move toward each other to fix systemic, foundational problems in a relationship when you’re not laying all the blame at the feet of the other.
5) Get some help if one or both of you feel too exhausted or hopeless to continue on your own. Seek the counsel of a pastor or marriage counselor. (I recognize the irony of recommending couples counseling and the accompanying cost, but your marriage is worth the investment. You can't afford to not get help, in other words.)
Your marriage isn’t hopeless. I really believe that. The fights about money aren’t really about money. It’s what those arguments are pointing to under the water line personally and in the relationship—loneliness, inadequacy, incompetence, isolation, overwhelm, stress, shame, guilt. Those feelings, particularly if unaddressed, lead to greater distance in the relationship (what our researchers reminded us as the third reason couples get divorced.) That distance can be shortened or even eliminated. You and your partner can recover the closeness and connection you once enjoyed. If I can help you and your spouse work through these difficult issues, I would be honored to do so—simply make an appointment.
Hawkins AJ, Willoughby BJ, Doherty WJ. Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage. 2012;53(6):453–463.
'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ - https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
*Recommended reading
“Hold Me Tight” - Sue Johnson - https://amzn.to/2uvXNT9
“The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” - John Gottman - https://amzn.to/2mvaPMn
