Not having a fight with our special someone on Valentine’s Day would be nice, right? Why is it (or does it just seem this way to me?) often our worst fights happen when that should be the last thing we’re doing? Vacations, anniversaries, V-Day, etc. Any disappointing ends to what should have been, by definition, wonderful nights?
Expectations. Expectations are tricky. We either have expectations we’re afraid won’t be met (and then it’s confirmed by our experience) or we’re the one’s not meeting them. Either way expectations can be precarious, especially on days pre-loaded with expectations! Like Valentine’s Day.
Talk about your expectations
There is no prize at the end of life for only subtly communicating our expectations. Yes, it would be nice if we didn’t have to spell out what we wanted and our partners simply knew. That’s a fantasy though, right? Or, even when we generally know our partners likes and dislikes, people are not static. Tastes change. Interests change. Life transitions are real. Maybe the kids aren’t so little anymore and skydiving all of a sudden seems like the most fun thing we can do on Valentine’s Day! Who knows? No one unless we say it out loud.
(Parenthetically, while simply stating our expectations helps us avoid disappointments, it doesn’t mean we’re not afraid of having expectations or of not meeting them. Our respective histories often set us up to be worried. How great would it be to have a connecting conversation where we talk about those fears and help reassure one another?)
2. Number the intensity.
(This was actually my wife’s recommendation. She’s so wise.) For years now, we’ve used a “how important is this?” 1-10 scale. It’s not foolproof, but it’s been a pretty handy way of stating how much something matters or doesn’t matter to us. A ‘3’ for me, but an ‘8’ for her? Easy enough. “I’m a ‘2’ on the restaurant, but a ‘9’ on the movie.” Done. Again, not perfect when the intensity is the same, but it’s been surprising to us how many things are easily sorted out when it’s clear what matters more / or less to the other.
3. Place expectations in perspective.
Is it reasonable to expect the sitter to be on time? To want a nice dinner? Good weather for a walk? Of course. What if those things don’t happen or don’t happen quite that way? Seems obvious, I know, but these can be ‘forest for the trees’ situations if we let them. Sure, you may have gotten a late start and maybe the service wasn’t the best, *and it’s okay to be disappointed!* but maybe give yourself 90 seconds to be irritated about the overcooked salmon (that you should have returned to the kitchen, by the way. Why didn’t you do that??) and then, move on with the rest of the night. It is one night, after all.
(I would also add--as someone who can pretty easily get derailed by disappointing particulars--it’s amazing how quickly we can help our partners relax by simply validating their frustrations. Which one feels better.. “That’s so frustrating about the gift card” Or, “Babe, can you forget it? At least we’re together” ? That little bit of validation can put a fire right out in seconds. On the other hand, “just stop that” is crazy-making and can turn what should be a quick little thing into a much bigger, longer-lasting event.)
I don’t want to fight tonight! If you’re fortunate enough to have someone you love and can celebrate Valentine’s with, I’m sure you don’t either. This post is nowhere near a comprehensive tutorial on conflict, but getting face-to-face with our expectations and the expectations of our partners is a great start to heading off potential date-ending conflict. Happy Valentine’s Day!
