“She starts yelling and that’s it, I know I’m about to get it, so I just get real quiet.”
“I’m feeling so hurt and angry and I try to tell him and he just stares at me, not saying anything.”
Any of us in close relationships—marriage, dating for a significant amount of time—we all probably relate to one or more of those sentences. As I sit with couples and start asking, “Is it like ______ when you do ________ and they do _______ ?” I’ll hear things like, “You’re so spot on! It’s like you’ve been in our house!” And, no, I’m not clairvoyant.. we all say and hear things like this—I just get to hear it a lot in the counseling office :)
The attachment science tells us these are simply distressed responses to feeling threatened or afraid. In other words, there’s a negative cycle that exists where I reach out for you because I need some kind of reassurance, you’re not there for me, so I get louder and more critical and you start to shut down. You being shut down upsets me even more so I get even louder and even more critical and you, feeling even more threatened and more overwhelmed, bail completely. We get stuck in that cycle, and that’s where our problems come from. Dr. Sue Johnson, pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (all the concepts in the post are from the work of Dr. Johnson) says this, “When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness…”
Pursuers and Withdrawers
The one reaching out, then becoming critical is called a “pursuer.” Pursuers *tend to be a little more connected with their own emotions and can express them. The more shut down or “withdrawn” partner is just that—a “withdrawer.” Withdrawers *tend to become overwhelmed with more intense emotions, tend to feel threatened and then emotionally and / or physically withdraw. They get quiet, try to make sense of what’s happening, but ultimately start to give up. Withdrawers are also often unaware of what they are feeling. “Keeping the peace,” is the safest way to go for them, historically, thus they often minimize their own emotional needs up to and including even forgetting they are there to begin with. (Anyone familiar with “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” from John and Julie Gottman will recognize withdrawing as “stonewalling.”)
One more important note before we dive in on what we can do.. More often than not, wives tend to be the more pursuing partners while husbands tend to be the more withdrawn in conflict. It’s not always the case—I tend to be the more pursuing partner in my own marriage.
In this Part 1 on pursuers and withdrawers, I’ll offer some steps for the more pursuing partner to learn how to help their more withdrawn partner understand them. Wouldn’t that be nice?!
Helpful to remember—and chances of success are greatly improved—if you can manage to share these when you’re not quite as distressed.
1. Acknowledge the struggle.
“I just said a lot and you look overwhelmed.” Or, on the phone, “Honey, you’re not saying anything. Are you worried about saying the wrong thing?”
2. Offer the benefit of the doubt.
This is also a part of the first tip. If you’re not so upset, it’s easier to remember he/she would respond exactly the way you needed, if they didn’t get overwhelmed or distressed that you’re so distressed, felt criticized etc. and knew how to connect with you.
If things start to go sideways, offer something like,
3. “I think we’re both getting more and more upset.. can we take a few minutes and then start over?”
I’m pretty sure I’ve said this in previous posts, but the sort of dialogue I outlined above is much more on the ideal end of things. In other words, a conversation like that is more possible when the negative cycle isn’t so powerful or hasn’t been in place for a significant amount of time.
These negative cycles become more and more ingrained over time, and it’s so important to remember the cycle is the enemy, not our partner. it’s just a thing that takes over and starts running the show on an autopilot-sort of level. If we can catch ourselves before the cycle takes off, we can steer towards a more satisfying and connected experience of conflict. And, being aware of how we can help our partners ‘get us,’ makes that a much greater possibility. It’s also just a very kind and loving way to approach the one we love the most :)
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*I say “tend to,” a) because there are some other variations, ie, “burned out pursuers” who currently shut down due to being disappointed in spouse’s response, and b) a lot can affect how we respond in a moment due to mood, energy level, etc.
For further reading..
“Hold Me Tight” - Sue Johnson - https://amzn.to/2uvXNT9
“The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” - John Gottman - https://amzn.to/2mvaPMn
