In Part 1, we looked at steps pursuing partners can take to help their more withdrawn partners understand them in a conflict. In this second part, we’ll come at it from the other direction. What can a withdrawer do to help their pursuing partner ‘get’ them?
A quick by-the-way.. After getting some questions, it’s probably important to point out that ‘withdrawer’ and ‘pursuer’ are not personality types. Pursue / withdraw is a relational concept, and based on attachment style. “Do I matter to him?” and “Can I do anything to make her happy with me?” are questions about where we stand with our partner and what we do in order to find reassurance and connection. (The pursue / withdraw relational pattern shows up about 80% of the time, but withdraw / withdraw and pursue / pursue are possible as well.) Also, those roles or positions can shift. In the beginning a partner who tends to pursue to reconnect may eventually grow tired of trying and move into a more withdrawn place in order to minimize the possibility of being hurt. All that said, there may be an overlap with personality, and it’s not not important, but we’re primarily concerned with attachment style and relational pattern.
Consider the Withdrawer
I have a soft spot for withdrawers. My wife is a withdrawer. I’m on your side withdrawers. Again, to briefly describe the withdrawn relational style, withdrawers avoid their own difficult emotions and those of their partner. They can minimize, dismiss, “shut down,” “wall up,” “still face,” or even physically leave when they feel the emotional intensity has gotten too high.
Withdrawers have learned that when they start to feel ‘unsafe,’ distancing themselves from all the intensity reduces their fears and anxieties. This makes things more tolerable for him or her, and it’s believed—sincerely—it’s better for the relationship as well. “Let’s just calm everything down” is the default position for withdrawers.
This default position can leave pursuing partners feeling abandoned, alone, and anxious to re-establish connection. The cycle continues and withdrawers experience their pursuing partners as critical and then shut down even further.
However, just because they avoid conflict and minimize their emotions does not mean they don’t have them. On the contrary, a withdrawer’s interior world is every bit as rich. It may be they don’t express their feelings because they don’t want to experience (feel) them or they worry it will upset their partner. The other possibility is they have forgotten how to understand or make sense of what they feel. The latter warrants genuine compassion.
What can a withdrawer communicate to their pursuing partner that would help move the conflict forward in an emotionally tolerable way? Like we mentioned last time, it’s helpful to remember—and chances of success are greatly improved—if you can manage to share these prompts when you’re not quite as distressed.
1. “I know you need me to show up right now, but I’m overwhelmed.”
A little validation up front goes a looong way for pursuers. We can hang back or push through—pick your metaphor—if we know you can see our distress. Letting your pursuing partner know you see that, but that you’re feeling overwhelmed can give you so much room. (We’re overwhelmed with ourselves too!)
2. “I would tell you what I’m feeling if I knew myself.”
“Maybe you’re a little ahead of me right now, but I need to go through it myself to figure out what I’m feeling.” My wife has actually said these words to me, and it’s so disarming. Especially expressed with vulnerability, it changes everything. “Oh, she’s not shutting me down like I’m a crazy person.. She’s trying to get a handle on what she’s going through.” A withdrawer can both validate and slow everything down to a reasonable and steadied pace. Coincidentally, it’s a pace that is actually better to move forward from.
3. “I know you’re worried I’m going to bail, but I need a minute. Can we come back to this in 10 or 20 minutes?”
This one can be pretty difficult to do, especially if a couple doesn’t have the emotional muscle memory just yet. A central fear for a pursuing partner is that they’re ‘too much,’ that you’re going to run out of patience with them and leave. So, it can be a perilous moment if there’s not been enough evidence that there will be a reconnection. What you’re asking your pursuing partner to do, however, is to trust you and that in and of itself can create a healing moment if you indeed ‘come back’ to them.
These sentences or sentiments can help you, withdrawer, to create a buffer, so to speak, in the conflict. Withdrawers need those buffers. Of course withdrawers, part of your growth is learning how to take up your own space—to really feel what you’re feeling and make it important enough to share, but giving your pursuing partner something to go on—even if it’s “I don’t know yet,” helps slow the cycle down and provides room to let some calm in. Withdrawers, you have a tremendous power to contribute to the healing of your relationship. Probably more than you realize.
*Recommended reading
“Hold Me Tight” - Sue Johnson - https://amzn.to/2uvXNT9
“The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” - John Gottman - https://amzn.to/2mvaPMn
